I was nervous on the days leading up to trying my first coffee enema. Who wouldn’t be? It wasn’t like I could talk to many people about it. The moment you tell anyone they feel the need to say something silly. And hey, I’m all for humour, but this wasn’t the time for me to be the butt of the joke.
Just kidding.
I’m all about the 'butt' jokes. I have a five-year-old son. The word ‘poo’ has become part of our vernacular. And if there’s one time you need to laugh things off, it’s when you’re about to lock yourself in your bathroom for some ‘alone’ time with your enema bag.
Jokes aside, I was nervous.
I chose Friday that week because it was the only time I would be at home on my own.
There was no way I would get fifteen minutes on my own if my little ‘mama’s boy’ was at home. When I’m in the shower, it’s not uncommon for the door to open and for his little face to squish against the glass door while he asks for a snack, or for him to switch the light off and run off giggling to himself as if he’d just pulled off the world’s best prank. I couldn’t risk the chance of him walking in on me, especially since he’s at the ‘tell-everyone-at-school-every-detail-of-my-life’ stage.
Friday arrived, and suddenly the enema was the last thing on my mind. After dropping my son at school for his first week of prep, my car wouldn’t start. The irony was that I was supposed to head straight to the mechanic that morning, but my car decided this was not to be so. A new job, a nervous kid at a new school, and a broken car. By the time I got home, I only had a few more hours until it was time for school pickup, and I no longer had the time to be scared. An enema was the least of my worries that day anyway.
I had watched enough coffee enema videos on the Happy Bum Instagram page to feel like a semi-pro as I set mine up in my tiny bathroom. I was going for the ‘legs up, use the time to read my book’ version they often showed on their videos. And by ‘book’ I mean ‘Facebook scrolling’, of course. But, after a crying kid at drop off and a broken-down car, I wasn’t in the best headspace and completely forgot to clamp the tube to stop all the liquid from pouring straight out onto the floor.
Sighing, and by ‘sighing’ I mean ‘swearing’, I started again. This time, I took a few deep breaths, looked through the manual again, and slowly poured my coffee solution into the silicone bag. I then lay down, rubbed some coconut oil around the tube, and popped it in.
I took another deep breath and released the clamp. The liquid came through quicker than I thought it would, and my first thought was how on earth am I supposed to wait twelve to fifteen minutes with this in me?
I could easily have given up after the first two minutes, but I love a good challenge. I grabbed my phone and sent off some messages for some distraction.
Messages sent.
I needed to go to the toilet. I looked at the time.
Six minutes in...
I stood up. Oops. I forgot about gravity. I lay back down again. But that somehow made me want to go more, so I stood up again, and did that awkward little dance that you do when a toilet stall is occupied in a public place.
I sent another few messages.
I did a few more awkward dances.
When I saw I was on eleven minutes, I stared at my phone until I got to twelve. And then I ran to the toilet.
And that was it. My first coffee enema done, and it wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I looked at my phone. Plenty of time left until I had to get my son from school!
Oh, and someone had sent me a message.
“What are you up to?” they asked.
I chuckled.
You never really think about what someone is doing, or where they are, when they send a message to you.
“Oh, not much,” I replied as I looked around my bathroom.
Perhaps the sign of a good friendship is whether you admit to doing an enema while sending them a message.
I'll let you know how my next one goes.
Chris x
